Low Self Esteem
Posted in Soapbox by: Alisa
I don’t know if you guys know this about me but I don’t think very highly of myself. If I believed everything I thought about myself I’d probably never leave my bed. As it is I struggle and struggle to fight against the negative thoughts and imagery that I’ve associated with myself. When I look in the mirror I see blemishes and I see sun spots and I see other imperfections. I see a too big stomach and flabby thighs and saggy breasts. I only focus on the negative.
There are random occasions when I look in the mirror and think, “Wow. I look good today.” But do you see that I have limited it to “today”? About 10 years ago while I was with Kaiser in Sunnyvale one of the Doctors offered a course on Self Esteem. I was too scared to take it and no joke to this day I regret it.
I just cut my hair and I found a picture I liked, the stylist worked with me to get it exactly like the picture and you know what I thought when it was all done? ”I’m not cute enough to pull off this haircut. The cut is too cute for me.” I honestly think that people will see me and think, “Woah, she can’t pull that off.” or “Her hair is wearing her.”
I care so much and so deeply about what people think about me. It drives Scott batty. He wants me to have clear, concise thinking about myself. It’s so hard though since I’m bombarded with negativity from my own mind. I am literally my own worst enemy. Some days it’s crippling. I try so hard to be my own individual person because on the whole it makes me happy. But if I look different than someone or my life choices are different than someone my initial reaction to to think I’m inferior and there is something wrong with me.
I guess moving has brought this to the forefront because I am so very different than the people I am surrounded by. And at the same time, I’m exactly the same as them. But I focus on the differences and assume they think I’m weird and strange. Because that’s what I do. I make negative assumptions about what people think and feel about me.
But this is really my opportunity to grow. To open my eyes and see that people do really care about me and genuinely think I’m a good person to be around. To look at new friendships not as people feeling sorry for the new girl and inviting her to do things but as people really wanting to get to know me, Alisa, and all the wonderful things about me. (Deep down I know there’s more than a couple things about me that people can appreciate.)
Our life in Utah is new in so many ways. So many things are different here. So why not me? Why can’t I be a more positive, confident person? Make a change. Shed my self doubt and loathing. It’s held me down for too long. Not any more. Self, did you hear that? Not any more. I don’t care if I have to stare at myself in the mirror like on SNL (Stuart Smalley) and tell myself that I’m beautiful and I’m good enough. Something is going to change.
How have you combatted your negative thoughts and images of yourself?
March 29th, 2011 at 11:04 am
I know, I’m your mom. But I’ve always thought you were beautiful inside and out. You are and have been courageous in the most difficult of situations. I love you tons. Love, Mom
March 29th, 2011 at 12:07 pm
Such an honest, personal post. I appreciate how brave you are in just bringing this topic up on your blog, because I think it’s something we all struggle with in our own ways but are too scared to admit it.
My self-esteem seems to ebb and flow, sometimes with no rhyme or reason, but oftentimes I let myself get caught up in thinking about something for too long. I may say something thoughtless to someone else, regret it, and then mentally beat myself up for days. Or I might gain a few pounds, the jeans get too tight, and then I’m beating myself up letting that happen. There’s always something to beat myself up about; the issue is how long I allow the beating to continue. The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a gospel of self-hatred. That much I know. But actually implementing daily repentance to the point that I let go of mistakes enough to truly forget them is the true challenge for me. Why can’t I sync up my knowledge and my actions?
Anyway, I could talk about this stuff all day… I also have to add how amazing you are to all of us “around” (even from afar) you. I love that you’re not the typical Mormon gal–don’t ever change that–and I love how candid you’ve always been about this kind of tough stuff, the stuff we all think but don’t necessarily voice.
March 29th, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Love Julianne’s comment because we were just talking about this recently. How as women, and mothers especially- we are always feeling these inadequacies, in ourselves, in our friendships, in our relationships, and how that’s not the Saviors plan for us. I always appreciate (and love) your posts- so courageous of you. I feel so lucky to have friends that know these truths, and friends that don’t “pretend” everything is alright, all the time. Your absolute honesty is one of my favorite things about you!
March 29th, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Dear Girlfriend,
I think you are crazy awesome and I miss our dates:) I think everyone has negative moments when they are thinking about themselves (Even the Utah moms), and its so hard not to focus on that junk all the time. Yesterday, I was having a ”discussion” with my boss and I just hated how he has to be right all the time and he wont listen to anyone else. Then later, I realized that I can totally be the exact same way! I can be a jerk! I hate that, so I resolved to try to be better. Eventhough I’ve never been very good at the whole gospel/church thing, I think Ju and Laura are right. Satan already knows you are struggling a little and so he sneaks in there and tries to make those cracks a little bigger every day. Heavenly Father loves you and wants the best for you no matter what your face looks like or what awesome non utah haircut you get:) I really like you too, and screw those stupid Utah chicks who dont get you. I know there is some awesome chick out there who is wating to talk to be your friend. (shes’s probably sitting at the back lol) Just keep trying!
March 30th, 2011 at 9:39 am
Alisa, that’s so great you’ve come to that conclusion.
It was nice to read the progress. Yes! This is your opportunity to grow and let yourself shine. I’ve always looked up to you and have always thought of you as beautiful (inside and out of course). 
March 31st, 2011 at 2:26 pm
This is a great post, Alisa. It’s refreshing to read about how, like so many women, we all feel inadequate most of the time. BUT, it’s also shocking, in a way. You come across (as much you may not feel like it) as a SUPER confident person who doesn’t need/seek out the acceptance of others or their validation. So whatever you’re doing to hide your insecurities, it is working wonders for you!
I was actually just thinking today– how do I get myself to stop fretting over every small detail about myself that I so dislike?? Like you, I see EVERY blemish and often chastise my skin for not figuring it out after 33 years. Like Julianne, I beat myself up every time I put on the jeans and they seem to be a bit tighter than before they went into the wash. I admire every friend I have about all their great atributes (beautiful, great style, THEY have lots of friends, compassionate, you name it, I’ll see it in them) but I find it very, very difficult to see those things in me. I always think, if I work out just a little more than I’ll be ok, or if I had perfect skin, I’d be just fine or if I had better bone structure than I’d be happier.
I do know I have great kids, I feel I’m doing a good job as a mother (I definitely know I’m not perfect) but I LOVE being a Mom. But I often think– I don’t want to always identify the good things about me by looking outside, ya know?
In the end, I just keep hoping that time will allow myself to be more comfortable in my own skin. And love that skin because it houses a good person inside. I’m sticking to that for now
April 11th, 2011 at 3:03 pm
To be honest I have never liked my self. In fact most of my life I hate hated myself. Some days I still hate my self and blame everything wrong on me. Then I remember 2 things 1- heavenly father loves me so much that he gave me so much. And 2- Sam loves me for me, and tells me every day how great I am, and Sam doesn’t lie!!
April 13th, 2011 at 9:02 am
When I was asked to speak in church a few years ago the topic was “how the gospel brings joy to your life everyday.” The person making the invitation even said, “that seems like a pretty easy topic.” It couldn’t have been more difficult. I think it was the first talk I read through since primary. I can’t remember the specifics, but I don’t think *just* living the gospel brings a “daily uplift” or my that can sustain a person like me throughout the day.
I came home sad r something yesterday – not sure exactly why…I mostly looked for a distraction instead of some fantastic calming principle. Hang in there.
April 20th, 2011 at 2:25 pm
What an honest post. You are one brave cookie to delve so deeply into your thoughts and post it! I serioulsy can appreciate and respect you! I know where you are coming from and have those daily negative thoughts. It is hard to move past our imperfections but it takes time and baby steps. Everytime I start to think negatively or say something negative, I have to accompany said statements with a positive one; that way, I don’t get lost in that negativity. You are awesome Alisa!
May 26th, 2011 at 11:32 am
I just read your post because I should be out exercising and I don’t want to start this late because of all those negative feelings telling me essentially – “why bother.” But I will go, because it does make me feel better, it is good for me and I try to do the right thing – usually.
On Oprah’s last program she said that we all feel unworthy, we are afraid to shine. Note the use of the word ALL. But our best moments are when we seize the day, the moment, the spirit, the laugh, the cry. What I love about you is your passion. You don’t hold back because of your integrity. I loved the lessons you taught because they were so genuine as was your post. Keep up the good fight and know that mercy fills in the rest. It won’t always feel great, but you will be glad looking back. Beauty produces beauty. Look at your wonderful children – they came from you. And all of us love you and respect and appreciate the gifts only you give. Be Alisa – it is your destiny! (that other perfect person that we all wish to find in the mirror doesn’t, and shouldn’t exist)