
So you all know that I love the Twilight series and I’ve been blogging more about it to tell you why. Well we’ve hit the jackpot. New Moon means more to me than either of the other two books and it’s because of the journey that Bella takes. Let me get a little personal to explain why.
Most of you know that I’m bipolar and about two years ago I was hospitalized because of it. That was the darkest point of my life. I had a week leading up to my breakdown where I kept feeling like I was losing control of myself. I would find myself crunched in a ball on the ground trying to hold myself together. Then the breakdown actually came and I vividly remember lying in the ER at El Camino Hospital shaking from head to toe thinking I was either going to die or go insane. I remember when they took me to the psych ward and asked Scott to leave. That’s the last thing I remember for about 3 days. One day I woke up and fell into the routine of the hospital (group therapy, art therapy, meals, etc.). Then I got released into the outpatient program which is where the hell really began. I literally could not handle being out of my bed huddled under the covers. Any stimulation whatsoever would send me cringing back into my shell. I couldn’t take care of my kids. I woke up in the morning and went to the hospital and then came home and went to my room. Oh my gosh, just remembering it is awful, but I promise there’s a happy ending. Time went on and I eventually started going to church and interacting with people again but I was totally dead inside. I was so scared of losing control of myself again that I refused to let myself feel anything. No love, no happiness, no tenderness, nothing.
A little more time passed and I finally was able to reach out to Scott and my kids again. I can’t even explain how scary or painful that was. Another thing that happened that may seem strange is that I lost the ability to breathe normally. I couldn’t take in a deep breath for fear of opening up the gaping hole in my soul. It felt like a black hole had taken over my chest and threatened to suck me in if I wasn’t vigilant at guarding myself. So every step I took closer to Scott and the kids, was a step closer to that hole. It was like recovering from a horrific car accident and having to do extensive physical therapy. It was really hard and it hurt like hell but with their help I did it. I finally brought them back in.
That’s where I was when I found Twilight. Well on the road to recovery, but still a long journey ahead of me. So I get to New Moon and Stephenie paints this beautifully, horrible picture of Bella suffering and the hole in her torso that rips and pulses at the edges. I love that when Edward leaves all we get is October, November, December, January. That’s exactly what I felt like. The time passed but it didn’t mean anything. Then when she goes to the zombie movie with Jessica and realizes she’s the zombie I realized that I was the zombie too. Totally dead to the world. Going through the motions with no real feeling. Then everything changes that night. She’s not totally dead anymore. Some of her defenses come down and she can’t bring them back and it’s scary as hell to feel so vulnerable.
Then the best thing happens. She makes the decision to be reckless. The healing begins. Every day she feels more vulnerable but she’s loving it. That’s what New Moon did for me. It touched me so deep down inside where nothing else touched me. It brought me to life. That’s why I’m so obsessed with these books. They literally changed my life. A teen vampire book changed my life. It woke me up and made me realize that I needed to put forth more effort if I wanted to live a healthy life again. As Bella started smiling without effort and laughing without realizing it so did I. I relished in her recovery, I drank it in and let it fill me up.
So when I say I love Bella it really means I love that Stephenie so descriptively wrote about a pain so awful it tears your soul into tiny pieces that takes years to put back together. Well I guess for Bella it only took Edwards return, but in real life it takes a long time to recover from that kind of hurt.
I know you’ve all probably felt that way. I know I’m not the only person on the Earth that has experienced this. I just happened to find Bella and really felt like she was a “kindred spirit”. Her pain was felt so similarly to mine that I couldn’t help loving her. So if I run around on Twilight related trips wearing “I am Switzerland” t-shirts it’s not only because I’m crazy, which I am, but also because I’m reveling in my recovery.
I guess I should mention that I’m doing great. Not 100% yet but I have every hope that I will be. Every day that passes brings me closer to myself. In fact, I would say I’m a much better person now than I was before the episode. Much stronger. I’m totally trying new things that I never would have dreamed of before. I appreciate my family and friends more. I appreciate God more. Life is good.
Sorry for the long post, I just really wanted you to understand how deeply I love these books. I can honestly say that these books have been a blessing in my life. Corny, I know.